This is me. In my underwear. On the internet, for all to see.
Let me start by saying I have never, as an adult, owned a scale. And I am at the point in my life where I understand to my bones, how many pounds are on my body is not a measure of my beauty or my worth. I buy clothes that make me feel pretty but also have stretch to them, so I never outgrow them.
The picture on the right, Amy Woodward took in 2017 as part of her breathtaking book, The Kintsugi Project (turning scars into gold).
I felt beautiful for the first time in a long time. But I promise you, I was sucking in my gut as much as humanly possible. It was like cliff diving - facing fears of being publicly bare, while fat.
From facing that fear I was able to do burlesque later that year, with even more fat padding my bones, in front of a huge crowd. The path to loving myself was hard, intentional work.
The picture on the left, I took last week (April 17,2020). I am not sucking in my gut in any way, shape, or form. People have been telling me I've lost weight, and I just look at them like they're crazy. What changes have I made? I exercise way less, Eat more sugar. Don't eat nearly as many vegetables, have had considerably more stress in my life...
What I don't have anymore is anyone forbidding me from having ice cream for dinner. There is no one constantly complaining about how much weight they are putting on, and how fat and unhealthy people who are smaller than me are ("But I'm not talking about you"). When you silently count every chip I consume, both potato and chocolate, it is deafeningly loud. Someone who is so insecure with themselves, they truly believe it is loving.
This is not a post to pat myself on the back. It is very possible my weight loss is a symptom of health issues. It is possible my weight gain was also. It is just me noticing, as soon as I am comfortable in my skin, as soon as I am content with my fat, content with my life, my body changes shape. Again. I feel like I was just beginning to love the fat girl in the mirror...
Your body never stops growing and changing. Your pre-baby body is not the body you are "supposed" to have. And it is damaging to the psyche of insecure, young mothers to lead them to believe this. The body you have right this minute is the body you are supposed to have.