Oct 2020
I should never be allowed to drive
My eyes don’t notice the distractions
Shiny things scream louder than the cars
My heart pounds louder than the crashes
The reactions of my muscles fail
And I am lucky I did not die
You are so lucky you did not die
I still don’t know why you let me drive
Excuses like saying the brakes fail
Or blaming some of life's distractions
But we all know what caused these crashes
We know my relationship with cars
You keep giving me the keys to cars
Even though I tell you we will die
I see them as I sleep; these crashes
I still panic every time I drive
I cannot blame it on distractions
I cannot hide how its me that fails
Perhaps we both know that I will fail
Perhaps my drug of choice is cars
Perhaps there are no real distractions
Perhaps this is just my wish to die
Perhaps this is why I choose to drive
Perhaps I like it when it crashes
We can blame my bipolar crashes
We can blame confidence that fails
But when I look over at your car
I know I really don’t want to drive
I already know that's how I die
Your constant shame is just distractions
I don't need you, or your distractions
Our life together is just crashes
You are not the one that watched him die
In my life, you’ve seen how much I fail
You’re choosing to blame my lack of drive
And not the fact he was in that car
It's not distractions, it’s me that failed
I saw him die when he let me drive
It was my crash, I controlled the car